We are never fully ready to face the finality of death. We may think we can prepare or practice in anticipation of loss, but death can always surprise and everyone reacts differently. Beyond the sadness of loss, you may experience other sharp emotions. There may be an experience of shock when faced with the truth that a loved one has died, especially if they were young, vulnerable, or the victim of an accident or violence. There could be disbelief that your loved one has passed. You may be consumed with anger or feel that your life has lost meaning. Emotions and feelings like these are all normal, but there are ways to support yourself and move forward.
The first few days after a loss:
The first few days following a death are a blur. Nothing makes sense and often there are more questions than answers For the first few days it is essential to take care of yourself by eating, sleeping, and showering. Try to allow others to help and support you with the pressing tasks at hand.
In the weeks to follow:
For many, living under the covers is not an option, so you need to gently give yourself permission to do the bare minimum in order to sustain yourself and your family. Assess what you feel comfortable and prepared to do before attempting to resume life. Consider making short lists of things to do or prioritizing what needs looking after.
Months after loss:
Your life may still not feel totally “normal” and that’s okay. Basic decisions may feel distorted, routines may feel irrelevant and old relationships may feel strained. Everything is being recreated within your new reality.
How do you cope?
There is no “right” order to these stages or a timeline as to when you may experience these feelings. Here are a few things to consider as you experience your own grief process:
- Be patient with your body. Mourning is exhausting. Some days you will have energy and other days you will barely be able to move.
- Allow people to comfort you. People will try very hard to comfort you and they may be clumsy, self-centered, offer cliches, or simply talk about themselves. If you can remember that most people come from a place of love, then maybe some of their words and gestures will be easier to accept and their awkwardness forgiven.
- Try using a therapist or a support group. Sometimes you need to sample a few different people or techniques until you find the right fit. You don’t have to do this alone — keep shopping for the right support.
- Let someone be your anchor. Their job is not to direct or get in the way of your personal mourning. The anchor’s job is to keep you safe and afloat. Their mission is, perhaps, to give you a foundation for living so you are not able to injure yourself physically or mentally.
- Giving yourself permission to try new stuff in your own time. There is no mourning police. Your reality has shifted and you may need to try on different language, behaviors and rituals in order to get through each day.
- It’s ok to smile and cry, dance and crumble, plan and reminisce.
When you have lost a loved one, time becomes immeasurable. Your loss may feel like it happened a day ago and 10 years ago, both at the same time, yet there are ways to cope with and except the new realities.