The holidays can bring up intense memories and feelings after a loss. It’s important to remember that children grieve differently than adults; sometimes in short bursts, sometimes through play or behavior rather than words. Use clear language, predictable routines, and simple rituals to help them feel safe and remembered.
Quick, age-friendly tips (for elementary kids, ~5–11)
Be direct, simple, and honest. Use concrete language (e.g., “Grandma’s body stopped working and she died. We won’t be able to see her anymore.”) Avoid euphemisms like “went to sleep.” or “went away”.
Name your own feelings and model them. Say, “I’m sad today,” and normalize a mix of feelings (sad, angry, confused, glad). Children learn how to express grief by watching adults.
Prepare for holiday events. Tell children what will happen (who will be there, if there will be talking about the loved one, how long the event lasts) so they can know what to expect. Offer an escape plan and a comfort object.
Keep routines where possible. Routines provide safety; balance rituals of remembrance with ordinary play and school activities.
Use activities and memory rituals. Create a memory ornament, light a candle, make a memory box, or read stories about the person. These give children a concrete way to remember.
Watch for signs a child needs more support. Big changes in sleep, appetite, persistent school refusal, extreme withdrawal, or increased aggression warrant a conversation with a pediatrician or mental-health professional.
Dos and Don’ts
- Do listen, accept whatever the child says, and ask simple questions.
- Do give choices: “Would you like to make a card for the tree or write a memory in a box?”
- Do offer as many opportunities for peer supports as possible. Get them into a peer support group or around others who have experienced a similar loss. This can help to make them feel less alone.
- Don’t force long talks — short, frequent check-ins work better with kids.
- Don’t say “Be strong” or “You’ll get over it” — that can invalidate feelings.
- Don’t assume every lost relationship was a perfect one. Sometimes children may have lost individuals or caregivers who inflicted harm or were abusive. It’s best to let the child tell you what that person meant to them.
Simple scripts you can adapt
“I want to tell you something important: [Name] died. That means their body stopped working and we can’t see them anymore. It’s okay to feel sad. I’m here with you.”
“Do you want to tell me a memory of [Name] now, or draw a picture to put in our memory box?”
“We might have days when we laugh and days when we cry — both are okay.”
Short activities to try during the holidays
- Memory ornament: decorate an ornament with a photo or favorite memory.
- Memory jar: write short memories on slips of paper to read together.
- A “safe seat” at holiday gatherings: place a small framed photo or favorite item where the person would have sat and invite the child to add something.
- Read a short book and talk about it (see book list below).
- Take opportunities to self soothe with your kids/students – model deep breathing or box breathing. Show a short video clip for them to follow along. Try a grounding exercise that they can use when they are feeling escalated, naming 5 things in the room they can see, 4 things they can touch, 3 things they can hear, 2 things they can smell, and 1 thing they can taste.
*It’s important to teach these when we are in a calm state, so we know how to do them already when we feel escalated.
Recommended children’s books (elementary level)
These are age-appropriate books that families and teachers often use to open gentle conversations about death and memory:
- Lifetimes: The Beautiful Way to Explain Death to Children — for ages 5+. Whats your Grief
- The Invisible String — great for younger kids. What’s your Grief
- When Dinosaurs Die: A Guide to Understanding Death — helpful guide format for kids. For Jude For Everyone
- The Memory Box / The Memory Tree — memory rituals and gentle language. For Jude For Everyone+1
- For longer lists and age filters, Dougy Center and What’s Your Grief offer curated collections. Dougy Center+1
How to Use Grief Books with Children
Ask open-ended questions: After reading, invite reflections like “What did you think of the story?” or “What do you think the character felt?”. If comfortable, you can take it deeper, “What were you feeling when you read it?” or “What helps you feel close to your loved one?”
Add a simple activity to the story: Make a memory jar, draw a favorite moment, write a letter to the person or pet who died, or create a small “feelings book” about love and loss. Or come up with your own craft or art activity as a companion to the book. This can help to cement the story for the child.
Revisit the book. Children learn so well through stories. On hard days, return to the book. Try saying, “Remember how the character still felt love after saying goodbye? We can carry love too.” Reminding them of the love and closeness can help as we grieve together.
Include caregivers: Send books home with quick tips—journaling, steady routines, memory boxes—and remind families that grieving together is healthy.
National, evidence-based free resources (printables, videos, activities)
Dougy Center — extensive kid-focused activities and holiday/special-day resources. Dougy Center+1
Sesame Street in Communities — Grief — videos, printables, and bilingual resources for young children. Great for preschool/elementary. Sesame Workshop+1
National Alliance for Children’s Grief (NACG) — short guides and family toolkits for talking with children. NACG – NACG+1